Once over lightly, but not politely...

Friday, May 29, 2009

So, apparently…

James and John Smackles, MD. plan to live-blog this week’s E3 festivities. Or at least the major press conferences. Or something. And they’re putting it up here.

So um, look out for that. *thumbs up*

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Trade Center '09, live from the Palace of Wisdom

So, the deal here is that I haven't watched or followed hockey as best I could for the past several months. The NHL has pretty much done one thing after another to massively piss me off since the lockout, and Mats Sundin signing with Vancouver, coupled with Sean Avery's suspension for having a mind of his own, became the straw(s) that broke my back. I gave up, didn't look back, found other new things to pass the time. However, today is the NHL's trade deadline, and fuck me if that doesn't get even my cold-to-hockey blood a little warm. Hence the live blog, featuring a few friends of mine, my cat, and TSN's shitty analysts, right here from the Palace of Wisdom (which I have decided to call my house). LIVE BLOG, BITCHES~

10:00: My alarm goes off, and I crawl out of bed. This strikes me as a bad idea already, because I'm way too tired to deal with any of this right now. There are plenty of preparations to be made before I actually turn the television on. Of course, I sit on the couch and stare off into space anyway.

10:20: Still haven't moved. Really wish I was playing Gran Turismo 3 instead of doing this. Fuck.

10:35: Snapping awake, I throw stacks of dirty plates into the dishwasher and drag another coffee table out into the living room to build a large trade desk. Jared (Jared Dreger) will be here soon, have to get ready. Besides, hearing Smackles (Geoff Sanderson) tell me all about what the TSN idiots are saying is making me bloodthirsty. I have to see for myself and I refuse to allow it until I'm ready to go.

10:43: TSN is on. Good to see that they've shuttled off James 'Retard' Duthie with the people who can't hold a job in hockey. Jay Feaster starts on about how the Antoine Vermette for Pascal Leclaire and a 2nd deal is great for both teams, noting that Leclaire has injury problems and needs to return to form. Return to form? He's had one good season with Ken Hitchcock as a coach. One! I usually like/defend Feaster, but what the fuck was that?

10:47: Tim Connolly has signed a two year deal for $4.5 million per, which is hilarious to me because the over/under on games played during that contract is probably 45.

10:51: You know, if I was a drinker, TSN's trade coverage would make a spectacular drinking game. Drink every time someone says something incomprehensibly retarded...

10:54: TSN is using www.nhlnumbers.com as a resource for salary numbers. I use that site. Why is a fucking sports network using the same free resources as I am? Don't you get some sort of crazy exclusive sources given that you work in fucking sportscasting?

10:55: Holy fuck, TSN's depth chart had Phaneuf on the second pairing. That's AWESOME. Pierre McGuire must be having a meltdown. Duthie is back on what I guess is the main panel. The stupidity here rates higher than the stupid panel. Incredible.

10:59: McGuire is trying to tell me that Miikka Kiprusoff is a top goalie in the league, and that it's 'not even close' as to which you'd rather have than Cristobal Huet. Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Good to see Pierre didn't get any smarter in my exile. Darren Pang also hasn't grown any balls in that time and piggybacks on Pierre's opinion so that he doesn't get yelled at.

11:01: Oh good, Dave Hodge! That's who I'm playing today! Here's the *real* idiot squad. Fuck TSN sucks.

11:02: ...did Steve Simmons just say something smart? Something about Phaneuf not being the elite defenseman that he's supposed to be? Holy SHIT. That's incredible. And he is definitely going to get a flying axe kick to the face soon from the French man.

11:08: Darren Dutchensyn, who's name I will never bother to learn how to spell, says that a lot of people like the Leclaire trade FOR THE SENS. WHO?! WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?! Pierre McGuire? Motherfuck Pierre McGuire. Oh my God, he actually CITED McGuire saying that Leclaire is the best Senators goalie in history. Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow.

11:12: Yeah, Pierre is totally right. You cannot win a Cup without an experienced goalie who has won a Cup. I mean, nevermind that they have to get that experience SOMEHOW. Nevermind that one of the examples you cited was NIKOLAI KHABIBULIN, who has WON a Stanley Cup. Nevermind that you just ate out Kiprusoff's asshole, who's never won shit. But no, you're right Pierre. Boston really needs to shitcan on Tim Thomas and pick up, say, Chris Osgood. I mean fuck, Osgood's won, right?

11:15: Ahahahaha Pierre dumps on Washington. Wonder which side of the Crosby/Ovechkin 'debate' he's on. "Too cool for school"? Man, fuck you.

11:20: Zack (Zack McKenzie) wakes up and joins me in the living room.

11:27: Keith Jones goes on and on about how Florida has sucked the last few years because Olli Jokinen 'made it suck'. Well, at least... no there's really nothing redeemable to that. Yes Keith, the thing holding Florida back the last several years was their 35 goal scorer. I mean, everyone *but* me always thought that team looked like shit, but no, you're right, it was Jokinen.

11:30: Apparently TSN is poorer than me and can't get anyone's mic working.

11:40: Jordan Leopold to Calgary. Everyone's "great analysis" is that Leopold has played in Calgary before. I wish I was playing GT3.

11:45: Jared (Mr. Dreger) calls me, causing me to miss something really stupid that Pierre says while standing on Dutchensyn's shoes. Not too worried about. Smackles (Mr. Sanderson) on McGuire:

Geoff Sanderson? says:
....jesus McGuire....you guys have to live with him every day
Geoff Sanderson? says:
i only got to put up with him here and draft day

11:51: Official trade is Leopold for Lawrence Nycholat, Ryan Wilson, and a 2nd round pick.

12:01: Just as I was about to say that The Reporters weren't as bone jarringly stupid as they usually are, Damien Cox opens his mouth and defecates on their fancy desk. Simmons is bringing it today, though. I'm pretty amazed.

12:01: Mikael Tellqvist to Buffalo, LOL.

12:02: Martin Gerber to Toronto... what the fuck? Why? :(

12:07: Gerber and Pogge as the goalie tandem for the rest of the season in Toronto makes me glad I hit eject on the NHL.

12:19: I can confirm that I am, indeed, ballin'.

12:40: Well, TSN is reporting that Olli Jokinen for Matthew Lombardi, Brandon Prust, and a 1st is a done deal, though they're also saying it's not actually completed yet because of financial issues. I have no idea why we're getting ahead of ourselves with this, but fuck it. I can blame them if this gets pulled.

12:41: Keith Jones just said there isn't much difference between Shane Doan and JAROME IGINLA. Fuck Keith Jones.

12:51: I'm bored so I'm going to post something else Mr. Sanderson said earlier:

Geoff Sanderson? says:
can you call into this show
Geoff Sanderson? says:
ask Pierre how Cherepanov is doing

12:58: Amanda, our official caterer, gets here.

1:07: Bob McKenzie reports that the phone lines are burning up with offers for Colby Armstrong. Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

1:10: Matthew Barnaby reports that Olli Jokinen is a 'cancer'. Somewhere, Jason Blake becomes very upset.

1:12: From the group chat:

&alexandra; says:
did u hear about how i thought the mighty ducks were from mighty?
Dave Hodge. | F CK FEAR says:
I did
Dave Hodge. | F CK FEAR says:
Like an hour ago
Geoff Sanderson? says:
.....
Geoff Sanderson? says:
dave.....wtf

1:15: Amanda is incredibly loud and I can barely hear TSN. Not sure if that's a bad thing. It's pretty unnerving when your caterer is demanding butter.

1:23: Pierre says that we don't know how good Bouwmeester is now, but we will after the Olympics in 2010. What?

1:37: God damn I love the smell of bacon.

1:43: God damn I love the taste of bacon.

1:52: Peter Forsberg is expected to retire tonight.... :(

2:15: Our caterer cut herself and bled onto the food. What the fuck?

2:22: Unless we get a flurry of fun stuff in the next hour, this deadline sucks.

2:38: I'm gonna go to the store or some shit, I'm thirsty. Not only is TSN not providing interesting trades, but they aren't providing me with raspberry lemonade.

2:39: I just realized I missed trades for Guerin, Recchi, and probably some other people. It's been that kind of day.

3:24: Didn't end up going to the store. Still thirsty. Some stuff has happened, namely Nik Antropov to the Rangers, Dominic Moore to the Sabres, and Derek Morris to the Rangers. For the Leafs, this is pretty rad, I guess - neither guy was coming back and you get some picks in the 40 range for them. You'd always like to get better, and the odds that the second rounders will end up being anything are fairly slim, but hey, assets are assets. I think I'm actually going to miss Antropov, as he's been a part of my life for eleven years now. I couldn't care less about Moore.

3:37: More trades are trickling through, Kyle McLaren to Philly and Sammy Pahlsson to Chicago featuring players I like, and thus being more important than whatever the fuck Shittsburgh did today.

3:40: We're up to 17 trades now. About an hour ago I predicted to Mr. Dreger that we'd see 18. Apparently Carolina and Edmonton have a trade coming down the pipe, not necessarily with each other, so I guess we'll get at least that. Yay me!

4:03: Holy FUCK Pierre breaks out some late stupidity. Some bizarre three-way/double trade with Erik Cole to Carolina, Patrick O'Sullivan to Edmonton, Justin Williams to Los Angeles breaks, and Pierre jumps on the 'Edmonton are idiots' bandwagon. Now, Edmonton is pretty dumb. I'll always give everyone that. But his reasoning is because they gave up Cole AND Joni Pitkanen for O'Sullivan. Pitkanen got traded to Carolina in the summer for Cole, and now Cole was traded back, so that doesn't even fucking make sense. If you're involving Pitkanen, then you can't involve Cole because Pitkanen was traded FOR Cole, so you are trading Pitkanen for O'Sullivan. If you're involving Cole, then you can't involve Pitkanen because you wouldn't have picked up Pitkanen without Cole. Make sense you French fuck.

4:10: Brian Burke's press conference is on, and just as he's saying that some players have played so well lately that they may be kept around long term, Zack says 'please don't say Jason Blake'. Burke says Jason Blake.

4:17: OLAF KOLZIG TO TORONTO! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

4:43: God damn does the old CBC song ever sound wrong coming from TSN.

4:45: Dave Hodge makes a really shitty joke about Richard Petiot. I think I'm done now.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Quote of the Day

Smackles says:
honestly why do balls and ass smell so much

Monday, December 15, 2008

Bullshit.

Cody | Free Avery! says:
Hamburger was excellent by the way... it was a bleu cheese burger
Dave. | Free Avery! says:
I hate blue cheese
Cody | Free Avery! says:
Really?
Cody | Free Avery! says:
I fucking love it. Always make sure to have some for chicken wings.
Dave. | Free Avery! says:
What the fuck are chicken wings?
Cody | Free Avery! says:
What every normal person says instead of 'hot wings'

Dave. | Free Avery! says:
No because hot wings are the only acceptable kind
Dave. | Free Avery! says:
Anything else makes you a pussy cunt faggot
Cody | Free Avery! says:
Is this about a naming thing, or just temperature/flavour thing?
Dave. | Free Avery! says:
Well, you wouldn't say "I'd like some hot chicken wings sir", you'd say 'give me your finest hot wings'

Dave. | Free Avery! says:
And since hot is the only acceptable kind of 'chicken wing', that is all you need to say
Cody | Free Avery! says:
What about suicide wings?
Dave. | Free Avery! says:
Suicide wings do not fall under the category of hot wings
Dave. | Free Avery! says:
They fall under weaponized hallucinogen
Cody | Free Avery! says:
You're a pussy cunt faggot then.

Dave. | Free Avery! says:
Go eat some 'bleu cheese' you 'chicken' wing loving cockstain
Cody | Free Avery! says:
Bleu cheese is the proper name for it.
Dave. | Free Avery! says:
Yeah, in Quebec
Dave. | Free Avery! says:
Over here we call it 'dog cum'
Cody | Free Avery! says:
You just can't handle the excellence that it is.
Cody | Free Avery! says:
You bitch

Dave. | Free Avery! says:
Yes I can't handle the excellence of dog cum
Cody | Free Avery! says:
I'm going to force chicken wings and bleu cheese down your throat.
Dave. | Free Avery! says:
Heaven forbid my tastes blood don't tingle at the flavor of dug cum

Cody | Free Avery! says:
And you'll thank me for it.
Dave. | Free Avery! says:
No I won't
Dave. | Free Avery! says:
I'll die
Cody | Free Avery! says:
Then I'll thank myself for it.
Dave. | Free Avery! says:
I'll die because my American blood can't take your Faux European crap and it'll reject your bullshit and hit the eject button on my life

Cody | Free Avery! says:
Damnit, I'm not gonna get to shit before going for coffee.
Dave. | Free Avery! says:
You wouldn't need to shit anyway, you don't eat hot wings
Cody | Free Avery! says:
I need to go to Wing Master here, they have a shitload of different wing flavours
Dave. | Free Avery! says:
What the fuck is that
Dave. | Free Avery! says:
There's hot
Dave. | Free Avery! says:
And that's it

Dave. | Free Avery! says:
You don't need anything else
Dave. | Free Avery! says:
Jesus fucking Christ
Cody | Free Avery! says:
They have 200 flavours
Cody | Free Avery! says:
Jalapeno BBQ
Fresh jalapeno peppers crushed up in a medium BBQ!
Cody | Free Avery! says:
That would be delicious
Dave. | Free Avery! says:
MEDIUM?!
Dave. | Free Avery! says:
Fuck me
Dave. | Free Avery! says:
Brantford sucks

Friday, September 19, 2008

Randy Orton Video Review Project, part eight

Let's hit the home stretch and watch as Randy Orton transforms into a fucking incredible, old-school pure evil heel. Yay!

Randy Orton vs Shawn Michaels - 5/20/2007

Story here is that The Great Khali, being built up for his WWE title match on this same show, fucks up Shawn's head. Edge then wins the World Heavyweight title on Smackdown! because Undertaker gets hurt, and as is apparent custom for Shawn, he gets to beat anyone who wins the Smackdown! title because the previous title holder got hurt. So he beats Edge, and Orton comes out and fucks up Shawn's head a little more, debuting his wicked awesome head punt. Then Shawn's cutting a promo earlier on this show, and Randy runs over and shoves his head into some sort of steel post. Randy comes out and demands the match be awarded to him because Shawn can't compete. This is the awesomeness of new Randy.

The power of Christ compels Shawn and he shows up for the match anyway. Shawn makes the ref ring the bell, and Randy bolts over and slugs HBK in the head before dropping a pose. YES. This match rocks it for all of five minutes or however long it is. Finish is a non-finish, referee calls the match because Shawn can't continue (yet you let the match start in the first place?), mostly because I guess if Randy pins Shawn after Shawn pinned Edge, then Randy looks better than Edge, and we've just spent the last eight months enforcing that he is not. Post-match the ref helps Shawn up, and Randy is having none of that bullshit so he knocks him back down with the RKO. Shawn's (hot) wife comes in to cry over her dead husband and fuck if I didn't want Randy to drop her with an RKO, too. Or shit on her. That would be acceptable as well.

Randy Orton vs Rob Van Dam - 6/3/2007

And we continue the "Randy sends long-haired fairies home '07" tour with this here stretcher match. This is RVD's last WWE match, so not only does it start off with all of his signature offense, but he gets to win in a "hey bud thanks for the last six years feel free to come back and beat an undercard comedy heel anytime you feel like" and hey you know what, he did just that at the RAW XV show so I guess it worked.

The match is pretty nifty. Orton takes control after the initial RVD attack wave by remembering that "fuck you, I gave YOU the concussion". The best part of the match itself is RVD, back in control, signalling to the crowd that he's going to do his little Rolling Thunder deal, and in mid-roll Randy jumps to his feet and is all 'haha no' and hits a nice scoop slam. Finish is the usual 'supposedly dead man switches spots with the less dead man and pushes him across the line' finish, but the post-match is what really makes this awesome. Rob is off celebrating and Randy gets up, the look on his face only being able to be described as "you fucking nigger". Rob is promptly written off WWE television and it's great. Fun watching RVD go from winning the main event at One Night Stand '06 to winning the curtain jerker at ONS '07. Orton jobbed in opening matches at both shows, but he also has a sick head punt that RVD will never have.

Randy Orton vs John Cena vs Bobby Lashley vs Mick Foley vs King Booker - 6/24/2007

This match is fucking fun, but with five guys, Mr. Orton doesn't get much of a chance to shine. This is largely the Bobby Lashley show, as the man turns out to be a surprising bump freak (taking the two big ones of the match - an F-U through the announce table and a vicious unprotected chairshot to the top of his big bald head), and it turns out that I really miss having this man around. In particular, Lashley has a couple of fun exchanges with Randy, which make me wish that we had gotten a singles match between the two. Aside from the Lashley stuff, Orton has a really nice RKO on Cena and busts out the head punt on Foley. Really fun little match.

Randy Orton vs Dusty Rhodes - 7/22/2007

This program here was about the time when I jumped on the "Randy Orton, holy shit!" bandwagon, as he was just getting to be this otherworldly sinister character that I was really digging (as opposed to my prior fandom of Randy, which was more based on him being generally awesome and less specifically awesome, though this little project of mine has changed that a bit for me). This was also a bit of a cocktease, because this was announced as a Texas Bullrope match, and being much more familiar with recent WWE work than Dusty Rhodes' early work, I was expecting a bullrope match along the lines of Eddie Guerrero vs JBL from 2004, with the touch-the-corners stip. It didn't have that, which was a let down, and the match was really short, but holy fuck does it rule anyway. Match is built around the boogeyman factor of Dusty Rhodes and his bullrope against the Randy Orton factor, which basically comes down to "Randy Orton is way better than you and he's gonna kick your fucking head in". Dusty is getting all up in Randy's grill, mocking him and whatnot, but you can see the fear in his eyes when Randy grabs the cowbell for the first time. The boogeyman factor wins out for the first half of the match, but Randy gets to work his game eventually, trying to twist off Dusty's head and then throwing him in the corner and laying in with the fists to the skull. Head work SHOULD be a big part of Randy's offense, since he has the RKO and is now rocking the head punt, but the finish comes with a much simpler cowbell shot to the head. Fun stuff - as with everything in the Dusty/Randy program, Randy's facials made this better than it was.

Randy Orton vs John Cena - 8/26/2007

Everything about this is just fucking incredible. This was the feud of 2007, unmercifully cut short by Cena tearing his pec. As Randy's making his entrance, J.R. and Lawler sell him as if he was the monster from It or something like that (references to people looking into his eyes and never been seen again, etc). The match itself packs so much greatness into twenty minutes that it still, a year later (on the eve of SummerSlam '08, no less), blows me away and hooks me. It's built entirely around the idea that it is Randy's destiny to end Cena's reign and become WWE champion. He controls the whole match, letting only the odd hope spot slip through, and looks like he's in complete control. I've seen people remark that this match is essentially Orton's career story, as he's a third generation star who should be having the world handed to him, but always manages to blow it at the last second. This is manifested in the match when he chooses to go for the head punt instead of the RKO, and the extra delay gives Cena enough time to lock Randy in the STF-U, hurting Randy's leg enough that when he does hit the RKO immediately after, he can't cover in time to get the win. This is the first time you see the desperation from Randy, as the horizon has now shifted and he realizes for the first time that he might be in trouble. Right away, he picks up Cena for the another RKO, but Cena is able to lift him for the F-U and get the quick pin. Randy pounds his head on the mat after, because he's not out cold, but he knows he blew his chance.

People bitch at me for not valuing the Kurt Angles and Shelton Benjamins of the world as much as a lot of internet wrestling fans do, and valuing storytelling instead. Sometimes that can be a hard position to articulate, because storytelling is a fluid concept without an easy description, while flashy moves and high spots are flash moves and high spots. But this match, right here, IS storytelling as it pertains to pro wrestling. It's a fucking work of art. I could watch Randy wrestle John Cena every damn day and never get sick of it. Terrific stuff.

So here's the deal. When I started this, I think I had 52 Orton matches to watch. Turns out I still have like, ten, maybe twelve more sitting around. I've done 53 at this point, and I'm stopping here. The Cena match is a pretty good finish to the project - I was planning on using the One Night Stand 2008 match with Triple H, where Randy breaks his collarbone and is out for five months or whatever, because I thought that was pretty fitting, but this might work a bit better. Either way, the real problem is that I watched his title defense against Chris Jericho, did a nice write-up on it, started on the Hardy program, and my computer overheated and died. Always save your work, kids. And after months of fucking AWESOME heel Chris Jericho, I really don't want to sit through the Y2J nonsense again for review purposes. So I'm stopping here. I'd say sorry to disappoint but you still got one more match than originally planned and let's be honest... no one cares.

ROVRP Final Match Rankings (part 8/8):

1. Randy Orton vs John Cena - 8/26/2007
2. Randy Orton vs Rey Mysterio - 2/19/2006
3. Randy Orton vs Chris Benoit - 8/16/2004
4. Randy Orton vs Rey Mysterio - 4/7/2006
5. Randy Orton vs Triple H - 1/30/2005
6. Randy Orton vs Chris Benoit - 8/15/2004
7. Randy Orton vs John Cena - 2/19/2007
8. Randy Orton vs Hulk Hogan - 8/20/2006
9. Randy Orton vs Undertaker - 12/18/2005
10.Randy Orton vs Jeff Hardy - 3/30/2007
11.Randy Orton vs Undertaker - 4/3/2005
12.Randy Orton vs John Cena vs Shawn Michaels vs Edge - 4/29/2007
13.Randy Orton vs Undertaker - 8/21/2005
14.Randy Orton vs Dusty Rhodes - 7/22/2007
15.Randy Orton vs Edge - 7/11/2004
16.Randy Orton vs Mick Foley - 4/18/2004
17.Randy Orton vs Rob Van Dam - 6/3/2007
18.Randy Orton and Edge vs DX - 1/7/2007
19.Randy Orton vs Shelton Benjamin - 6/13/2004
20.Randy Orton vs Rob Van Dam - 12/14/2003
21.Randy Orton vs Carlito - 9/17/2006
22.Randy Orton vs Shawn Michaels - 5/20/2007
23.Randy Orton vs Kurt Angle - 6/25/2006
24.Randy Orton vs John Cena - 11/14/2005
25.Randy Orton vs Jeff Hardy - 3/19/2007
26.Randy Orton and Mr. Kennedy vs The Hardys - 3/26/2007
27.Randy Orton vs John Cena vs Bobby Lashley vs Mick Foley vs King Booker - 6/24/2007
28.Randy Orton vs Kurt Angle vs Rey Mysterio - 4/2/2006
29.Randy Orton and Edge and Umaga vs DX and John Cena - 12/18/2006
30.Randy Orton and Bob Orton vs Undertaker - 10/9/2005
31.Elimination Chamber - 1/9/2005
32.Team Orton vs Team Triple H - 11/14/2004
33.Team Smackdown vs Team Raw - 11/27/2005
34.Team Bischoff vs Team Austin - 11/16/2003
35.Randy Orton, Kurt Angle, and Rey Mysterio vs John Cena and Triple H - 3/18/2006
36.Team Rated RKO vs Team DX - 11/26/2006
37.Randy Orton vs Shawn Michaels - 4/9/2007
38.Money in the Bank ladder match - 4/1/2007
39.Randy Orton, Mr. Kennedy, Finlay and King Booker vs Edge, CM Punk, and The Hardys, 3/27/2007
40.Randy Orton vs Shawn Michaels vs Edge - 2/5/2007
41.Randy Orton vs Shawn Michaels - 9/21/2003
42.Randy Orton vs Triple H - 9/12/2004
43.Randy Orton vs Kurt Angle - 6/11/2006
44.Royal Rumble - 1/29/2006
45.Royal Rumble - 1/28/2007
46.Randy Orton and Edge vs John Cena and Shawn Michaels - 2/26/2007
47.Randy Orton vs Shawn Michaels - 3/5/2007
48.Randy Orton and Edge vs John Cena and Shawn Michaels - 1/29/2007
49.Randy Orton and Edge vs DX - 11/5/2006
50.Randy Orton, Ric Flair, and Batista vs Mick Foley and The Rock - 3/14/2004
51.Battle Royal - 12/18/2006
52.Elimination Chamber - 8/24/2003
53.Randy Orton vs Triple H - 10/16/2006

Randy Orton Video Review Project, part seven

No fuck you I do SO finish what I start. I actually finished this like two months ago and just now remembered I hadn't posted it. So, here it is!

Royal Rumble - 1/28/2007

So since I last wrote, I actually went out and bought the DVD of this show, and the very first thing that I notice is that they replaced Rise Against's "Drones" as the theme song of the show with some generic stock music. That actually really pisses me off, because I'm a big Rise Against fan and "Drones" is an awesome song (I put the album it's off of number two in my top ten of 2006, which is somewhere around here). I have no idea why this happened, but now it makes more sense when I watch DVDs from a few years ago and all they have is stock music playing through the show.

Orton comes out at #16 and reunites with his tag team partner Edge, and they promptly start eliminating people. Benoit is the next guy in, so that means Orton gets to go and beat down Booker while the clock waits for Benoit to run in and pop the crowd. Kind of funny listening to JBL describe Benoit as a 'cardio machine'. The Rumble, of course, is build around maximizing crowd reaction for each entrance and each elimination, so that means there isn't a whole lot for Randy to do in any given match. In this one, he's lasting until the final four, so he's not really doing anything from the time he comes in until closer to the end. Unless you're really into him and Edge working some milquetoast double-team spots (which would be neat if they were doing anything but grinding boots into Johnny Nitro, for example) or beating on whichever black guy happens to be left. I make a lot of racist jokes so watching him slowly lay the boots to King Booker and Shelton Benjamin plays into my hand quite nicely.

The other thing about the Rumble is that you get neat moments that translate from year to year, like Shawn Michaels eliminating Benjamin in both '07 and '08 (spoilers lol) and Michaels having chop-offs with Hardcore Holly in both of those two Rumbles. That doesn't really apply to Orton at all, since he's not in the '08 Rumble, but whatever. Orton and Edge teaming up on Shawn features a lot more hate in their facial features, but still, it's a Rumble - great tool for inner-workings and stories, not so great for hard hitting action. They just sort of hold him on top of the rope and glare angrily. Continuing the theme of the entire DX feud, they get to lay around on the mat while Shawn goes back and forth between them with kicks and punches.

We get down to the final four of Randy, Edge, Shawn, and Undertaker. Edge and Orton continue to tease their breakup while still teaming up. It's pretty neat stuff, but really, nothing so out of this world as to top his smarmy asshole performance in the '06 Rumble. At this point Randy clearly had all of the pieces, but after a rough few months he wasn't putting it all together the way he was the year before. Is he still awesome? Yeah, and don't get me wrong, I'm still digging his stuff, but Orton is definitely in a holding pattern in this match.

Randy Orton and Edge vs John Cena and Shawn Michaels - 1/29/2007

So the next night on RAW, we decide to cut the balls off of Rated RKO a little more by throwing their tag titles up against the WWE Champion (Cena) and the guy who's been beating them around like he was their Chinese father (Michaels). Of course, it's not a bad idea at all to put your top guy and eventual number one contender over anything and everything, but it sort of telegraphs where WWE wanted to go from here, and it sucked to watch the Rated RKO team and angle just fizzle into nothing, instead of being given a big pay-per-view level blowoff. I don't know, maybe watching so many of Randy's matches has made me an even bigger mark for him and I want him to go over clean in absolutely every match and I'm miserable when he doesn't. Whatever.

But man, this is just really not all that good. Functionally there's nothing wrong with it, but it's just pretty boring. This doesn't feel like a tag title match, this doesn't feel like a match with a ton of storyline to it (the Rated RKO/DX feud was just ending, Edge/Cena had happened before that and Orton/Cena wasn't too far off), this doesn't even feel like a big tag main event on RAW. It feels like a post-WrestleMania RAW tag match where four guys who are tired from the big night before are just running through their stuff to pop the crowd and get the night over with. By far the most interesting thing is when Orton runs in to dropkick Michaels as he's setting up for the superkick, and the post-match, where a celebrating Cena turns around to find Michaels sneaking up on him, and then Undertaker comes out from the stage. Cena's cut from the night before re-opening is pretty need, too, because you don't often see blood in relatively meaningless RAW tags, and this certainly feels like a meaningless RAW tag. The worst thing about this match is that there isn't anything wrong with it, it's a fine match, it's just not especially entertaining or gripping.

Randy Orton vs Shawn Michaels vs Edge - 2/5/2007

This is a triple threat match to determine the number one contender to Cena at WrestleMania 23. It's the week later, so the outcome is pretty obvious, because if the plan was to go with Orton or Edge, you'd think they'd have one of them pin Shawn in the tag match the week before. If that doesn't have you convinced, well, we start off with Orton and Edge teaming up on Shawn. It makes sense, since they're established as a tag team at this point, but it also gives Shawn more to overcome in picking up the win. Typical of WWE triple threat matches, there is a three way brawl before someone (Randy) gets knocked to the outside and it's one on one until outside guy comes and knocks someone else out (Edge) and takes advantage over the guy who's stuck around (Shawn). Orton hits his finisher on Shawn, and then Edge breaks up the pin attempt and the next part of the match has them brawling (after a really neat moment where they shove each other, agree to work together, and then each guy throws a punch when he thinks the other isn't looking). Soon enough, they're both on the ground and Shawn comes back in to capitalize. Incredibly cookie-cutter match, though the aforementioned Edge/Orton handshake/brawl was cool, as was the finishing sequence, where Edge ducks a Michaels superkick, Orton catches Shawn's foot and spins him around, and Michaels dodges Edge's spear, which ends up hitting Orton. Edge gets up, turns around, superkick, and Michaels covers Orton to get the top spot. Decent match, but like the tag before, nothing particularly gripping. At least there was more for Orton to do here.

Randy Orton vs John Cena - 2/19/2007

So, wow. I remember hating this match last year, even as an Orton fan and someone pimping Cena as the best in the world. God was I wrong, this match was great. Definitely a different match from the Orton/Cena matches we'd get later in the year, which were built around a methodical Orton taking apart Cena in his quest for the title (and later around a vengeful Cena attacking Orton for kicking his dad in the head). This match is just built around Orton (and vicariously Edge) being wicked pissed that he wasn't in the main event of WrestleMania, and deciding to just beat the fuck out of Cena. Orton uses much more of an all-out assault than his matches normally feature, and it's a nice change. Not that I want him to do that all of the time, since I'm clearly quite fond of his methodical, old-school pace, but this was pretty fucking swank. Cena was really awesome here, too, and I was totally and completely wrong for using this as a blemish on his record in 2007. Turns out that he's still pretty damn blemish free, and offerings like this from Mr. Orton just give more reason for him to be high on the card.

Randy Orton and Edge vs John Cena and Shawn Michaels - 2/26/2007

And right back down the rabbit hole again. Trying to watch this from the perspective of picking out good things that Orton is doing is tough. Like the last tag between these four, there's nothing outright WRONG with it. Hell, it's probably a good match if you're just watching it as a tag match, and not specifically looking at contributions from one of the four men. But this match is built around the building tension between Cena and Michaels as it relates to their upcoming WWE title match. Outside of Orton dodging a superkick that ended up almost hitting Cena, and being the one to eat Cena's hot tag offense and the pin in the end, he really doesn't even need to be here. I don't know that he's phoning it in and just running through his bag of tricks or not, but he might as well be. In the end we get more tension between Orton and Edge, but once again, there's just nothing interesting about this for the purposes of this blog.

Randy Orton vs Shawn Michaels - 3/5/2007

And once again, just a match used as a prop to the Michaels/Cena angle. Trying to get into a guy who is as much of a passenger to his own matches as I am is tough, and I was just not feeling this match at all. Nothing abjectly bad, once again, just not worth watching.

Randy Orton vs Jeff Hardy - 3/19/2007

This is a pretty fun match, structured rather similarly to Orton's matches with Rey Mysterio from the year before. Instead of arrogant heel like he was playing there, Randy comes to the ring as pissed off bruiser heel, something of a change of pace for him. He even busts out a crab, which is pretty neat. The match is pretty short, so it isn't anywhere near as good as it could be, but you can tell there is real potential for these two as a match. Since it's a condensed version of what should be a full match, there's a lot of Hardy hope spots in a short period of time, but they work because it's only like four minutes long. Oddly, this is Orton's best match in exactly a month, when the pretty awesome Cena RAW match happened. Finish of the match comes with Edge running in, putting a ladder in the ring, and Orton chooses to use the ladder on Hardy to get DQ'd so he can focus on Edge. The post-match plays into the actual match, with Orton constantly overlooking Hardy, because he promptly eats a Twist of Fate and a leg drop. Fun stuff.

Randy Orton and Mr. Kennedy vs The Hardys - 3/26/2007

Another fun match. Watching Randy work away from the shadow of the DX feud around this time is pretty damn awesome, because he just seems more alive and into everything. You're not often going to go wrong with a Hardy Boys tag, either. I remember Orton and Kennedy working well together from around this time and them getting a little bit of hype, and you know what? They do. Nothing mind blowing but certainly a fun little tag.

Randy Orton, Mr. Kennedy, Finlay and King Booker vs Edge, CM Punk, and The Hardys, 3/27/2007

An eight man tag on ECW? Oh man, how pointless is this going to be? This is a hype match for the Money in the Bank match, and the first part of it is cut off by a commercial to boot. The problem with TV eight mans is that it's pretty much just an exercise for everyone to run in, hit their trademark stuff, and tag back out. Orton certainly does that here, tagging in and hitting the usual Orton spots on Jeff Hardy, who then tags to CM Punk who hits his usual Punk spots on Orton, who then gets control of the match and hits his usual Orton spots on Punk, and then tags out. This doesn't mean that this is a bad match, it just means it's pretty cliche and since I'm watching these to try to look for Randy Orton greatness, this type of match is limiting. If this was a pay-per-view match and given twenty minutes, I'm sure it would be absolutely fantastic because there would be time to develop a story and work within that. Instead, this is just a match where everyone runs in and tries to make the crowd notice them. So, I dunno, whatever.

Randy Orton vs Jeff Hardy - 3/30/2007

Man, fuck. I really hope that Randy grows his hair back by the time his collarbone heals up.

Pre-commercial, the match is a little strange, built around Jeff Hardy being in control. It's not often you watch a Randy Orton undercard television match where he's doing the majority of the selling, nor a Jeff Hardy undercard television match where he's on offense for most of the time. Pretty odd, and it seems a little listless at times. It's a fine set-up for the rest of the match, though, and Hardy's faceplant suplex looks pretty sick. Right before the commercial break, Randy takes control with an uppercut, and while it's stupid that a single uppercut does as much damage to Jeff Hardy as Jeff Hardy dropping Randy on his fucking head does, he quickly makes up for it with a gorgeous clothesline to take you into the break.

Post-commercial, Orton is in control and this turns from a decent-but-there TV match with a really nice clothesline into an awesome little piece of work. Everything Randy does looks great, and though I can't decide if it's because Jeff Hardy is really really good at eating quality offense or if Randy is just in excellent form here, or (surprise third possibility!) Randy Orton is just totally fucking awesome when you leave him out of stupid prop-to-other-storyline tags and single matches, but this really works. Edge comes out at the end of the match to distract Randy, allowing Jeff to get the roll up win. I wish there was a real finish to the match, as focusing on the Edge/Orton tension made Hardy look like an afterthought (just like their previous match) and a match this awesome deserved a better finish. But Edge kicked a lot more ass in early 2007 and since I've been watching a bunch of recent Edge, I really dug RAW Edge showing up here. 2008 Smackdown Edge would have been pulling his hair out and frothing at the mouth at costing Randy the match, and it would have sucked. Randy looks like 2006 Smackdown Orton instead of 2007 HBK's bitch Orton, and he complements the whole deal by throwing an epic tantrum. Someone's been watching his Bret Hart tapes.

Money in the Bank ladder match - 4/1/2007

You know what? This is lazy and irresponsible as all hell, but screw it, it's my blog and my misguided, oft-delayed wrestling review project. I've watched this match way, way too many times - to the point where I might well have it memorized. I really like the match, but it's eight men jumping off of ladders. Randy is good here, but there isn't much for him to do because, like I said, eight men jumping off of ladders. It happens. I'm not watching this match (it will be ranked anyway).

Randy Orton vs Shawn Michaels - 4/9/2007

Pro wrestling used to be built around the house show circuit. Television time was dedicated to promoting feuds that you could see by going to the matches when they came to your town. The big matches and angles were done on house shows, and because they were done on house shows, they would be done over and over again in every different market so that all the fans would see it.

Shawn Michaels broke into the wrestling business in those days. He took four years off beginning in 1998 with a back injury, and returned in August of 2002. Old habits apparently die hard, because this match is four years and eight months later (give or take) from that comeback match and he is still fucking wrestling it. We get it, Shawn. We fucking got it when we saw it in 2002.

Not all of Shawn's matches are following the same path, but if you give him either a television match or ten minutes on a pay-per-view with a young kid you're trying to get over, he's giving you the same thing. This is giving him ten minutes on television, and I've seen this a million times. It isn't BAD, because whatever problems one might have with Shawn Michaels - on top of the repetitive matches, he has some pretty sloppy execution and his selling can be way over-the-top - he's still Shawn Michaels and he's still awesome. But like I said, I've seen this a million times. They made an entire movie where a guy eats McDonald's for a month and gets sick. The Shawn Michaels ten-minutes-on-TV match is McDonald's and I've been eating it for years. Pass me a fucking salad, please.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure this is Randy Orton's first television match since the Hardy match (I don't think he worked the post-WrestleMania RAW show), and this match also has Edge coming out to distract and a fuck finish. It's interesting, though, because Edge coming out changes the match from the Shawn Michaels TMOT match to a match built around Randy Orton's desperation. It's a number one contender's match for the WWE Championship, which he had never gotten a shot at, and now his old buddy is here to fuck him over. Randy watched Edge do this same thing to him literally a fucking week and a half ago, and he doesn't want to lose this chance, so he starts panicking and hitting the fuck out of Shawn. This is where the match picks up, and it goes back and forth between the two match styles from here on out. The match is awesome when it's the desperate Randy show, and it's bland when it's the TMOT deal. We get a sick on-the-floor RKO to Shawn and on-the-floor spear (from Edge) to Randy before the retarded double pin finish (the idea of a double pin is not retarded, but their execution of it here was, with Orton's share of the cover being something like his hand on Shawn's foot, whereas Shawn is outright laying on Randy). I guess it isn't that bad and it's fun enough and the crowd digs it but eh, I dunno. Not sold on beard-less Shawn Michaels wrestling championship-less Randy Orton, apparently.

Randy Orton vs John Cena vs Shawn Michaels vs Edge - 4/29/2007

Fatal four-ways usually suck. Straight up. That is what we're working against here, but this is actually pretty awesome. The tendency with multi-man matches is to toss the extra bodies outside of the ring and have two guys go at it, and that's pretty much what happens for the majority of this match. Luckily enough, all of the combinations of two are pretty awesome (well, I'm still pretty iffy on Orton/Michaels but it's kept to a minimum) so you never really care that much. It's really fair to say that it doesn't take advantage of the four-way stip, but fuck it, this match rocks. Randy kicks ass in it and the finishing run is just sensational. There is a time and a place for everyone hitting their big moves, and it is right here, with everyone going for their finishers and getting countered before people start hitting the damn things (as opposed to hitting all your finishers mid-match, kicking out at two, and having to keep going for another half of a match). Randy closes out this chapter of his career by taking yet another pin, but that's really ok, because things are going to be looking up for our hero in a hurry.

ROVRP Ongoing Match Rankings (through part 7/8):

1. Randy Orton vs Rey Mysterio - 2/19/2006
2. Randy Orton vs Chris Benoit - 8/16/2004
3. Randy Orton vs Rey Mysterio - 4/7/2006
4. Randy Orton vs Triple H - 1/30/2005
5. Randy Orton vs Chris Benoit - 8/15/2004
6. Randy Orton vs John Cena - 2/19/2007
7. Randy Orton vs Hulk Hogan - 8/20/2006
8. Randy Orton vs Undertaker - 12/18/2005
9. Randy Orton vs Jeff Hardy - 3/30/2007
10.Randy Orton vs Undertaker - 4/3/2005
11.Randy Orton vs John Cena vs Shawn Michaels vs Edge - 4/29/2007
12.Randy Orton vs Undertaker - 8/21/2005
13.Randy Orton vs Edge - 7/11/2004
14.Randy Orton vs Mick Foley - 4/18/2004
15.Randy Orton and Edge vs DX - 1/7/2007
16.Randy Orton vs Shelton Benjamin - 6/13/2004
17.Randy Orton vs Rob Van Dam - 12/14/2003
18.Randy Orton vs Carlito - 9/17/2006
19.Randy Orton vs Kurt Angle - 6/25/2006
20.Randy Orton vs John Cena - 11/14/2005
21.Randy Orton vs Jeff Hardy - 3/19/2007
22.Randy Orton and Mr. Kennedy vs The Hardys - 3/26/2007
23.Randy Orton vs Kurt Angle vs Rey Mysterio - 4/2/2006
24.Randy Orton and Edge and Umaga vs DX and John Cena - 12/18/2006
25.Randy Orton and Bob Orton vs Undertaker - 10/9/2005
26.Elimination Chamber - 1/9/2005
27.Team Orton vs Team Triple H - 11/14/2004
28.Team Smackdown vs Team Raw - 11/27/2005
29.Team Bischoff vs Team Austin - 11/16/2003
30.Randy Orton, Kurt Angle, and Rey Mysterio vs John Cena and Triple H - 3/18/2006
31.Team Rated RKO vs Team DX - 11/26/2006
32.Randy Orton vs Shawn Michaels - 4/9/2007
33.Money in the Bank ladder match - 4/1/2007
34.Randy Orton, Mr. Kennedy, Finlay and King Booker vs Edge, CM Punk, and The Hardys, 3/27/2007
35.Randy Orton vs Shawn Michaels vs Edge - 2/5/2007
36.Randy Orton vs Shawn Michaels - 9/21/2003
37.Randy Orton vs Triple H - 9/12/2004
38.Randy Orton vs Kurt Angle - 6/11/2006
39.Royal Rumble - 1/29/2006
40.Royal Rumble - 1/28/2007
41.Randy Orton and Edge vs John Cena and Shawn Michaels - 2/26/2007
42.Randy Orton vs Shawn Michaels - 3/5/2007
43.Randy Orton and Edge vs John Cena and Shawn Michaels - 1/29/2007
44.Randy Orton and Edge vs DX - 11/5/2006
45.Randy Orton, Ric Flair, and Batista vs Mick Foley and The Rock - 3/14/2004
46.Battle Royal - 12/18/2006
47.Elimination Chamber - 8/24/2003
48.Randy Orton vs Triple H - 10/16/2006

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Randy Orton Video Review Project, part six

Yeah, I'm bored. Why not?

Today is the DX program, when Randy teamed with Edge to form Rated RKO and battle Triple H and Shawn Michaels for a few months, never really resolving anything by the end because Hunter got hurt. Six matches in this post, ending with the injury match, because it seems like a pretty good bookend even though Rated RKO continued and still did stuff with Michaels afterwards.

Randy Orton vs Triple H - 10/16/2006

Pretty much a straight nothing match, as RAW matches can be. Really generically laid out and Randy didn't even do anything particularly special, except eat a low-blow and a chairshot to get pinned. I watched this when it first happened and was really bored with it then, and I was really bored with it here. The only thing of note was Randy jumping on the offensive to begin, which is different for him, as he usually just hangs back and waits for things to unfold. But really, this is pretty bad.

Randy Orton and Edge vs DX - 11/5/2006

Another really disappointing match. Just a basic RAW tag match, even though it's on pay-per-view, features a guest referee (Eric Bischoff), and is the first tag match in a tag feud. At no point do you get the impression that Edge and Orton can win, even though they do in the end, because DX dominates the majority of the match and stops any sort of momentum Edge and Orton get. Even Randy has few highlights in this match (but enough to make it better than the previous singles match), the main one being working a headlock on the mat incredibly viciously, more so than you normally see from Randy (who is awesome at making headlocks look like they hurt). Randy gets his first RKO get kicked out of, then as he goes for a second (which he doesn't hit), he has the evil look back in his eyes, but it's missing for most of it. The finish comes when Edge brings in a steel chair, which Randy uses to hit Triple H in the back and then hits Hunter with an RKO on the chair. Neat finish, bland match.

Team Rated RKO vs Team DX - 11/26/2006

Hooray, another Survivor tag! This match is really fun, but if Randy barely gets to do anything of note in a Survivor tag to begin with, he's really not going to do anything when his team is getting swept. He manages to work in an RKO, a dropkick, and his stomp out of his signature stuff, all of which looks good as usual, but the main quality from Randy is his expressions - particularly after he and Edge realize how screwed they are. Fun and worth seeing, but not enough Randy to work it's way up the list.

Battle Royal - 12/18/2006

And here we have a 30-man match from an episode of RAW to determine who would get a title shot later that night. This is probably going to really suck, and feature next to know Randy, but I have it on a DVD for some reason so here it is.

When Randy eliminates Lance Cade, leaving just himself and Shawn in the ring with Edge lurking on the outside, Randy reverts to old sinister Randy that I sorely miss at this point. Shawn blocks the RKO, sadly, and ends up eliminating Randy. This is really good for a battle royal, but it's still a battle royal, and there is barely any Randy at all.

Randy Orton and Edge and Umaga vs DX and John Cena - 12/18/2006

This is from the same episode of RAW as the above battle royal, because it was a three hour episode where we got the match I review, a title match between Edge and Cena, and then this six-man tag for the main event. The problem with a six-man is that, while WWE normally puts on really fun six-mans, there's not much from any one particular wrestler, which is what we're looking for here. There's a pretty swank opening section between Cena and Orton, but other than that, Randy doesn't do much here that isn't cookie-cutter. The match is plenty fun, though, and the post-match beating Edge and Orton lay on DX is fucking beautiful. Finally, they come off as the evil heels they should be, rather than just comedy stooges. Edge giving Triple H a conchairto as Randy screams "BLEED! BLEED!" in Hunter's face is magical and it is totally worth seeing the match for.

Randy Orton and Edge vs DX - 1/7/2007

This feud kind of goes haywire after this match, because Triple H goes down with an injury and there's not much they can do. Rated RKO keeps fighting Shawn after this, but the focus shifts, so I'm going to end this 'chapter' here. The rest of the Rated RKO/Michaels will be covered in the next match because it fits better with the early '07 theme anyway.

As for this match, it's pretty much three different parts. Before the bell rings we get some neat brawling on the outside, and throughout the first part there is some brawl-based offense, but it's largely the same DX match we've been seeing. This time, they're pissed so they'll cheat, and it just all seems so silly. Babyfaces who cheat are bad enough, but when you're dominating the match to begin with? What the hell? Anyway, after that we get Shawn blading and Edge and Orton take control, which is where things pick up. The hope spots become actual hope spots for Shawn and not just "oh welp here comes the other DX guy time to hit the bricks boys". Orton's stomp looks really, really good here. The third part, of course, comes after a Shawn hot tag to Hunter and Hunter tears his quad. The match goes to absolute hell for a few minutes because no one really knows what to do, but then Shawn decides that DX is just going to beat the ever-living shit out of Rated RKO, and that they do. Randy hits an absolute gusher with one of the bloodiest blade jobs I've ever seen, and there's not anything that's really tight and awesome work-wise, but it's good drama and a pretty neat visual. I like the match, by FAR the best from the DX/RKO stuff, at least when Hunter was around, and it's probably the best multi-man from this set so far. I can see where some people would draw complaints because the first part is pretty silly and the third part is a complete clusterfuck, but I dig it.

ROVRP Ongoing Match Rankings (through parts 6/8):

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Randy Orton Video Review Project, part five

This one is pretty short, only four matches, all from the summer of 2006. Randy moved to RAW and was pretty much stuck in limbo, not only because WWE weren't trusting of him (his behavioral issues on Smackdown! led him to be moved to RAW for closer supervision), but because the two main programs on the brand didn't involve him (Edge vs John Cena for the WWE title and DX vs The McMahons) and took up a lot of the available screen time, meaning Randy was relegated to third on the priority chart at best. They tried to give him a main event level program with Hulk Hogan, but then Hogan got hurt and things never really got off the ground, at least not to where everyone was hoping.

So we're left with four Randy Orton matches against probably the oddest set of opponents you can think of for him: two Kurt Angle matches (Angle was moved to ECW with the start of that brand and the Orton matches were used both to give them something to do, kill time on pay-per-view, and finish off their rivalry from Smackdown!), the aforementioned Hogan match, and a match against Carlito at Unforgiven. This shouldn't take me very long.

Randy Orton vs Kurt Angle - 6/11/2006

So the first thing Randy does as he comes out (with his glorious hair still, thank God) is get shoved by an ECW fan. Randy, of course, turns and tells the kid to hit him in the face. ECW fans aren't what we call 'people', they're a bunch of smelly kids who are into rape porn and bitching about workrate on the internet. It's pretty easy to tell your internet buddies about the how big the tentacles were in the hentai you just watched, or how you'd totally kick Randy Orton's ass for being everything that's wrong with WWE's vision of pro wrestling. When it comes down to it, though, they're a bunch of pussies who are all talk (and Cheetos smell, for that matter), and after this kid won't hit Randy, he turns and starts mocking everyone in the crowd. I completely forgot about this, since I generally don't go out of my way to watch Kurt Angle matches, but I had to note it since it's so great. It's pretty hilarious how Orton is hated here for being 'too WWE', but Angle, who's not only been a big name for WWE for seven years at this point but has openly shit on ECW in the past, is cheered. Then again, no one ever said ECW fans were smart.

I'm not sure what you'd say this match is built around. I mean, the story going in is that Angle broke Orton's ankle with the ankle lock, so you'd think they'd build around that. And they do, somewhat, for the finish. But this is a Kurt Angle match, people, so the first 95% of the match has nothing to do with the ankle. It's about suplexes, it's about amateur wrestling holds, it's about getting beaten down only to pop up to the top rope and pretend it didn't happen. Angle is terrible here, but the crowd is even worse, to the point of actual distraction. Orton slaps on a headlock, and it's "YOU CAN'T WRESTLE!", but when Angle slaps on a headlock, it's "ORTON SUCKS DICK!". And they don't stop, not once, they don't cheer with the match, they come in with their premeditated chants and they chant them, never responding to what the wrestlers are actually doing. This, of course, cripples Randy in a match like this, because the ONLY saving grace for this kind of Angle match (where Angle is at his retarded worst and the crowd is also retarded) was going to be Randy playing off of the crowd. But he can't, and it's really frustrating. That's not to say Randy isn't great here, because he is: good looking offense (including the diving clothesline and indy backbreaker, killer chinlocks, and a good looking crossbody), really good selling (that makes Angle's lack of selling look even worse), and great facial expressions and character work. Post-match has Randy calling for two refs to come and help him walk out, since he's still selling the non-protected ankle lock like death, and as the crowd serenades him with chants of "PUSSY! PUSSY!", Randy looks around, smiles, bows, and says "my fans". Great stuff from Randy for the entire time he's out there, but this is probably the worst match I've watched.

Randy Orton vs Kurt Angle - 6/25/2006

This is the rematch from Vengeance two weeks later, and it's going to be in front of a real crowd, so hopefully it will be a lot better. I'm assuming Angle is still going to call this match, though, so my hopes aren't high.

Way, way better match than the first. Angle's not really much better here, although Orton controls more of the match so he's more reigned in. Once again, Kurt tries to go for the ankle lock early and Randy tries to escape, and then the finish is built around the ankle lock, but for the rest of the match ankles don't matter, which is downright annoying (not that it doesn't stop Randy from limping to the back after the match, of course). But a real crowd, having Randy getting to work more control segments where he can throw in his chinlocks (logically setting up the RKO, of course), and even having Angle switch strategies after a suplex to the outside (after which Angle starts working the back instead of... well, nothing) all helps. Randy shows some nice learned psychology, too, having counters for most of Kurt's big stuff until he gets locked into endless chains of meaningless suplexes, and for the first time in this set, Randy pulls the classic heel shtick of taking the cover off of one of the turnbuckles. This sets up nicely into the finish, where Angle locks in an ankle lock, Randy is finally able to counter it and knocks Angle into the exposed turnbuckle, and then Randy hits an RKO. The finish is actually pretty neat now that I think of it, with everything from the match coming together, although it didn't look like that's where it was going at the time and instead just came off as some random stuff thrown together to see what worked. Randy is less of a dick here, but it's a much better overall match and is actually pretty decent.

Randy Orton vs Hulk Hogan - 8/20/2006

Neat build here based around a lack of respect. Typical, but neat. This should have been way higher on the card than it was and was probably slotted for the main event spot at one point, but Hogan got hurt, so that never materialized. Now that I think of it, Hogan's knee injury probably really set Randy's career back. Well, maybe. Randy has never really helped himself there.

Match is pretty good. Nothing great, nothing stellar, but the character interplay is fantastic, particularly from Randy's side. Randy works Hogan's leg because the knee injury is pretty well publicized at this point, which is unique for an Orton match. Randy's crossbody off the top reverts to it's froggy form, which isn't a good thing, but everything else he does looks pretty good. Other than the bad crossbody, the only traditional Orton move we get is the dropkick, which looks as good as always. I also noticed that Orton has some pretty good-looking side headlocks, too, and he broke those out here. But really, this is all about dramatics, and Randy asking the crowd "who is this? Who is this man that you love so much? I don't know this man...", looking like one of the happiest people in the world when he gets the false finish off of the RKO, and then finally seeing the real Hulk Hogan he didn't see before during the hulk up and selling it with a look of absolute terror... just great stuff.

Randy Orton vs Carlito - 9/17/2006

This is pretty much the absolute peak of Carlito's career. This whole period was when I was first getting into wrestling, and I was really pulling for Carlito to get a shot at the WWE title at this point. I was pretty dumb, but he was definitely more over here than he ever was, in no small part due to getting paired with Trish Stratus on camera. I can't remember for the life of me how this match got set up, but I'm sure it seemed like a good idea at the time. Kind of interesting seeing how far Randy's come from being in an undercard match in the death spot on a B-level, RAW-only PPV to retaining the top title in the company at WrestleMania XXIV, whereas Carlito has fallen off the face of the Earth and is probably a decent choice for worst wrestler on television right now. Randy's hair is pretty much all gone, he's ridiculously tanned, and his definition is gone in favor of more mass (hooray for steroids), but he cuts a promo before the match where he calls Trish a bitch and insults Canadians. I love that man.

This match is pretty fun, though short, and it's really just a good TV match. Carlito is about half-and-half at this point, where half of his offense is pretty good, and the other half is really bad, slow, fake-looking lucha stuff that he is too big and slow to pull off well. Carlito busts open Orton's mouth with a springboard moonsault where his wrist drives into Randy's face, so all of Randy's evil expressions for the majority of the match come with blood smeared all over his lower face. It's a pretty cool effect, making him look almost like Heath Ledger's interpretation of the Joker. Randy is Randy here, evil and awesome, using his indy backbreaker, his dropkick, and turning a springboard crossbody into an RKO for the win. There's a really fun moment early on, where Randy goads Carlito and starts like he's going to spit in Carlito's face, only for Carlito to spit in Randy's face instead. Randy's reaction is one of complete disbelief, and it's really awesome. Not good enough to crack the upper echelon of what I've watched so far, but it's pretty good anyway.

ROVRP Ongoing Match Rankings (through part 5/8):